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(36 reviews)
Author: John Gottman Ph.D.
ISBN : 1451608489
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Review
“In an easy-to-understand format full of anecdotes, imaginary dialogues, and analogies to game theory, Gottman explains lack of trust in a relationship … The practical tools to evaluate current relationships and step-by-step methods for avoiding betrayal, repairing relationships heading toward crisis, or healing a relationship after a crisis will be useful to couples who want to look honestly at healing chronic hurts and improving the state of their relationship, and are ready for a system to help them.”—Publishers Weekly
"Instructional and enlightening..."—Kirkus Reviews
About the Author
John Gottman has written numerous academic articles and is the author or coauthor of forty books, including the bestselling
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. His breakthrough research on marriage and parenting that has earned him numerous major awards, including four National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Awards. Currently a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, Gottman lives on Orcas Island, Washington.
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Direct download links available for Free What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal Paperback
- Paperback: 304 pages
- Publisher: Simon & Schuster; Reprint edition (September 10, 2013)
- Language: English
- ISBN-10: 1451608489
- ISBN-13: 978-1451608489
- Product Dimensions: 8.4 x 5.5 x 0.8 inches
- Shipping Weight: 8.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Free What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
While writing mine HOME FINANCES for COUPLES. Resolve Money Problems in Marriage and Learn Easy Steps to Manage your Family Budget I've read several relationship books, this one is in TOP 3. Here is my review:
Loving partnership gives us wonderful gifts that make life worth living: a sense of purpose, greater health and wealth, and, of course, loving care and nurturance. We all desire to have it. But, how to make it last for decades?
"What Makes Love Last" is very different from any other relationship book I've read before. Dr. Gootman knows his subject in depth.
POSITIVE IMPRESSIONS
- Conclusions and recommendations are based on the objective data from scientific studies
- Number of useful assessment metrics and tests (measure trust metric, accessing sex and romance, "is this a real thing" quiz, etc)
- A perfect balance between sientific and general writing style.
- Lots of valuable advice (I took about 3 pages of notes)
SOME VALUABLE NOTES
- The Zeigarnik effect about unresolved issues (people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks)
- Negative comparisons lead to betrayal
- Relationship killers are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasent conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection thats seems unavailable from the partner
- Attunement : ability to understand each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other
- Not to give advice unless asked.
I think Gottman is a fabulous researcher and has written some really good stuff but don't waste your money on this book in particular. The premise of the book is that there are many forms of betrayal in a marriage and cheating is just one of those. While I agree in theory, there seems to be no acknowledgment that some forms of betrayal are worse than others or that cheating is not an acceptable response to marital dissatisfaction. Also, the author does not seem to recognize that not every marital disagreement is a betrayal!
For example, let me share Gottman's story of James and Marion. "When James married Marion, he was a succesful photographer who supported her while she attended cooking school. When we fast-forward ten years, James's business has been hit hard by the rise of do-it-yourself digital photography, while Marion has just begun a new job as top chef at a highly rated local restaurant...although James acts proud of Marion's success, inside he's feeling great anxiety and self-doubt...These fears are heightened because Marion is so busy working that it seems she isn't there for him...He imagines having a partner who would be more loving and supportive of his current struggle." (pg. 43-44).
Can you imagine where this is going? Yup! One day soon James meets an attractive lady at the coffee house. Soon he's primping himself for the days he'll run into "June" at the coffee bar. Then he exchanges contact info with June and starts going out to the movies with her- alone- in secret. Six months later he and June sleep together. Gottman's conclusion: "James is not innocent in this tale, but neither does he sport horns and a tail. It wouldn't be unfair to see him as a well-meaning guy who was oblivious to his own vulnerability." (pg. 47)
HUH? What did I miss?! Wow!
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